My pride and shame

It has been a long time since my last entry. I think I’m undergoing some kind of depression, well, at least that’s how W sees it.
I’ve had my highs and lows in the path of becoming a teacher. I remember the struggles in the first few years, the climbing confidence after 5 years in the service, and the declining passion and until now, I’m officially at the bottom.
I’m a bit disoriented, a bit heart-wrenched and very sad.
I can’t describe my mind frame in specific words but I do know that I’m not satisfied with a lot of things around me.

They probably thought that I was still licking my wounds over the comment she made, but no, what I cared is the outcome, I hate failing myself. I haven’t been able to dedicate half of my attention to any tasks. I’m mentally and physically drained out.

And the faint whisper I cannot ignore, "Is this the best you can do?"

Well, I’m speechless.

I can think of thousands of reasons to justify my way but there’s none makes me …. satisfied enough to carry on.

Later that day I went back to school to teach the 6 kids in my remedial teaching class. The annoying 4th-grade boy looks different. He wasn’t as talkative as before. He sat there with good manners and even helped to carry the dictionaries for others. He gently explain how to look up a word to the girl sat next to him. WITHOUT ANY ABUSIVE LANGUAGE?!

Have my conversation with him last time actually reached him? Have I made a difference?

I mean isn’t that what teachers care most? To be able to reach someone, to have some sort of impact in someone’s life?

I didn’t see that part of the value in my daily work until now, from the little boy’s dramatic transformation. I’m not sure how long it’s gonna last but that certainly console me greatly.

So here’s my pride and shame. W suggests me to pull myself together asap and start acting like a leo again. I will.

Thanks to those who cheer me up along the way. I truly am grateful for all the support.

One comment

  1. Tried to call you but you were not there. Don\’t know why you wrote this article. Doesn\’t sound like that Annie I knew at all. Don\’t want to comment without knowing what caused you depressed. As I said, you were great that afternoon. As far as I can see, you put up a very good paradigm of what we observed in that study trip to Sydney, in which we realized that teaching methods come in many forms; fancy, noisy and "jumpy" ones might catch the attention of all but they seldom run deep. The one you presentedcan make effect. it\’s just a pity that the others didn\’t have chance to see how you interacted with your classes. Come on, my dearest Annie. How can you let those shallow novices hurt you so! You are a great, brilliant, caring and hardworking professional teacher. Don\’t forget that fact!~! Muriel

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